blog

I used to journal and blog everything. Every thought, every feeling. I’ve never really had an internal monologue – In order to process things, and in order to remember things, I have to either say them or write them.

The problem with me (as if there were just one, and this was it. That would be nice) is that I can’t really spread myself over multiple methods of expression when it comes to this. I can blog everything. I can paper journal everything. I can say everything. I really just use one of those methods at a time though.

Writing it all down in journals was my preferred method for most of my life, I never for a moment did not have something to write in on my person through most of school, elementary through college. I wrote EVERYTHING. Long streams of fiction, accounts of events, theories and ideas and just every thought I had. I’d go through dozens of journals in a year.

Unfortunately, on more than one occasion, someone important in my life had decided to go ahead and flip through the pages of my personal journals without my permission and then used those thoughts and feelings against me. After a while, the behavior of writing everything down became punished enough that I stopped doing it.

My outlet switched mostly to telling my friend everything. Which is cool, I get feedback! But after a while I realized that it had stopped being a form of communication, and more that I was just blogging in a chat instead of some wordpress-esque medium, which then obligated the other party to spend their time and resources reading and responding. It’s great to share important things and ask for feedback, but that’s not what I was doing. I was just constantly info-dumping and that’s kind of a dick move.

I’ve been working very, very hard the last few years at learning to seek less validation, and just being content existing for the sake of it without trying to find some purpose. It’s a work in progress, but I’ve made a lot of progress. One of the areas I have failed to make any progress is this constant info-dumping on other people. So I think I’m going to go back to blogging, and see if maybe that helps me keep my dialogs a little more internally focused. (I figure if I don’t really share the blog, it counts as internal, right?)

I figure I’ll dump all the deep thoughts and rants I have that don’t risk somehow fucking me over if the wrong person reads them here, and I’ll save my info-dump vent-sessions to my friends for the more sensitive things I’d rather not have people stumble on.